Feeling Emotional

For some reason I just got really emotional today.  I went to get donuts with my friend this morning.  She and another one of my close friends are throwing me a baby shower.  She asked about maybe throwing it at my place and they’d take care of food and decorations or at a tea place I like.  She also asked for the guest list so they could move forward soon.  I had started on the guest list a couple days ago and was super excited that my best friend since high school was going to come out for it.  I was really looking forward to spending time with her and hanging out one last time before becoming a mom.  However, she texted me later saying that she wouldn’t be able to make it.  Financially it isn’t possible right now and she’d rather come later in the Spring so she could meet the baby and help me out.  I wasn’t sure how I felt.  One the one hand I was disappointed she couldn’t come but then I understand she can only fly out here once and she wants to meet the baby plus financially it isn’t a good time for her right now.  I only see her once every few years since she lives on the east coast.  She wants to come out in May now.  It’s going to be very hectic the first three months after the baby is born so I’m not even sure how much time I’d get to spend with her while she’s visiting.

Then I realized after going over my baby shower guest list that since she can’t make it, besides Joe’s family, I only have three friends and a couple acquaintances on my list and two of them are hosting the baby shower.  That made me really sad and I started crying… a lot.  I used to have a very close friend out here in LA but she and I had a falling out right before I got pregnant and she got married (it’s a long story but she changed into someone else and I really grew to hate the new person she had become).  We were friends for seven years and pretty close before all that happened.  For the first time I was sad that we were no longer friends.  I spent most of the time being angry at her for her behavior and the things she said to me.  And I thought I was pretty much over it because I stopped thinking about her as much and she was just becoming a faded memory.  But then I guess I started feeling lonely because I only had a few close friends that meant a lot to me.  I would never want to be friends with her ever again.  She betrayed me in the worst possible way by using personal information and my insecurities as a method to verbally attack me.  She was someone I trusted and she used that trust for the sole purpose of being spiteful and hurtful.  She never apologized or admitted any wrong doing and in fact tried to justify the things she said to me when I gave her the opportunity to apologize and patch things up.  So she really isn’t the person I thought she was.  It’s always been hard for me to make friends because I have a hard time connecting with and trusting people.  Opening up to people is hard and I know it stems from my abusive childhood.  I was able to protect myself growing up by closing myself off emotionally from my parents and siblings and any relationship that was unhealthy for me.  But it also made it harder to open up to people. I’ve tried to make friends at work and at my fitness classes but it just seems like nobody likes me. 

On top of that, I have no family of my own to invite.  All my family is on the east coast but I don’t really get along with any of them.  My parents are abusive and horrible.  My sister was abusive and horrible to me basically my whole life until after I graduated college.  We are civil with each other now but we live in totally different worlds (not just geographically).  Plus, I honestly don’t think she or my brother care about me at all.  They have their own lives to live and neither one of them ever bother to contact me.  When I tried to have relationships with them and sent them Christmas presents and cards, there was never any return or acknowledgement.  They just don’t care.

I knew that going into motherhood was going to be harder for me simply because I didn’t have any family support.  I never did.  I grew up alone taking care of myself and that’s just fine.  I did feel saddened by the fact that my kids would never have any fun uncles or aunts for grandparents to spend time with who would love them.  I did struggle with whether or not it would be selfish to have children that would be deprived of those experiences.  But I had some very strong close friendships that I felt would be enough.  I guess losing one friend and knowing another won’t be there was enough for me to lose it a little today.

To top it off I felt even worse for feeling so bad about it which made me cry even more.  I have so much to be happy and thankful for.  A loving and supportive husband.  A healthy baby on the way.  I was able to quit a very stressful demanding job I had to be a full-time mom (I know not many people are so lucky and privileged).  I only have a few close friends but the friends I have are amazing and supportive and caring.  My husband just bought me a car and we’re doing well enough financially that we can get whatever we need for the baby and support ourselves just fine.  I have two awesome friends who care about me and want to throw me a baby shower.  It made me feel selfish and whiney.  I did talk to my friend who’s hosting the shower about my feelings and she suggested I open up to inviting more people even if I’m not super close to them because they probably do care and I have a lot of support here.  I did feel better after talking to her. 

Maybe it’s just pregnancy hormones.  I don’t ever let my family background get to me emotionally because I view it as a sign of weakness.  I’m strong enough that I don’t need them.  There’s nothing more pathetic to me than traumatized adults that act like children because mommy and daddy never loved them.  Some people go through life honestly not understanding that some parents just don’t give a shit about their kids.  Love isn’t a given just because there’s shared DNA involved.  So your parents never loved you.  You can cry and be sad about it your whole life and keep trying to prove to them that you’re worthy of their love which they’ll never give you, or you can move on and surround yourself with healthy positive relationships with people that do love and care about you.  You are in charge of your own happiness and your own life choices.  It’s nobody else’s job to make your life easier or make you happy.  I know that.  And honestly I am really happy and have been for years.  I just had this one moment where I let it get to me.  Small things can seem very overwhelming at times but you just need to put them into perspective.