Stretch Marks

Today I found some stretch marks on my belly.  I knew this was bound to happen.  Your uterus stretches to sixteen times its normal size.  Stretch marks and an expanding belly come with the territory and I knew that when I signed up for motherhood.  However, it still really bothered me.  More than I really want to admit.  I was kind of fat when I was a kid.  I’ve had long tiger stretch marks on my thighs and hips my whole life.  I’ve always felt a little insecure about my body below the waist.  My father was always telling me I had fat legs.  He loved to point that out basically any time I was around him.  Even when I saw him at my cousin’s wedding and he knew I was pregnant he felt the need to comment on how fat and big my legs are.  When I was a kid my mother would always say I was fat.  She bought me underwear that was three to four times way too big for me to even wear.  When I asked her for a smaller size, she just yelled at me and said I was fat and I needed big underwear.  Now that I actually have gone up to an extra large size I’m feeling some body image issues that I haven’t had since I was a kid.

I know that it’s stupid and ridiculous.  I know that I’m pregnant and this is what happens.  But I feel weak and embarrassed that I’m still letting my horrible abusive parents get to me at my age after everything I’ve been through and everything I’ve done to overcome the influence they had on me when I was young.  I talked to Joe about it.  I ended up telling him that I didn’t want to be ugly and started crying.  It feels so superficial and stupid.  Joe reassured me that I was beautiful and he loved me no matter what.  It took me a long time to feel good about myself and feel confident in my body.  I honestly wasn’t comfortable in my own skin until my late twenties.  I knew that getting pregnant was going to require a sacrifice on my youth, my looks and my body.  It was a sacrifice I was more than willing to make.  But it’s still sad to think about my body changing forever.